Yeah, yeah I know, this one is a given to anyone with a phone. Well you get what you pay for, and I never said I was going to be original. I mean come on, Mankind has been creative (in one form or another) for 10,000 years and you want me to come up with something original NOW?!?
Ahem.... sorry. :)
Never fails. 10 am on a Saturday and the calls begin and they don't stop till late Sunday night. Then of course there are the random week night calls (right at dinner time). I am not sure what bothers me more, the time of the calls themselves or the fact that they NEVER pronounce my name correctly. Cripes! I only have 5 letters in my last name (Consonant, vowel, consonant, vowel, consonant) very very simple. Grrrrrr.
If I was a Tele-Marketer (which will never happen as long as Ramen continues to be the 17 cent meal, and Satan is on the look out for souls) I would tell people I was something else a bit less embarrassing. Um.. I don't know like a Deer Sperm Collector for the Fish and Game Commission. Or... hmmm I feel a list coming on... damn it.
Things you can say you do instead of Tele-Marketing.
Deer Sper.... um... never mind.
Scab Model for Venereal Disease Medical Training Films.
Quality Control Tester for a Mexican Anal Thermometer Company.
Director in charge of PS2 distribution for the US.
Jehovah's Witness.
Spit-Valve Drainer for the local Symphony.
Web-Designer for an Animal Bondage Site.
Anyway, I can only be thankful that usually (9 times out of 10) there is that few second pause before the TM on the other end picks up his/her line. Gives me enough time to just hang up. But sometimes the TM is actually paying attention and answers immediately. Damn them. What do you do now? A while ago I read an article in Playboy (Yeah, the day that I discovered I was officially OLD was the day I actually starting reading Playboy cover to cover. Sigh) that answered the question "How can I handle Tele-Marketers?" The answer was priceless; How about telling them to Fuck Off? Understand this, if someone came to your door and tried to force themselves, uninvited, into your home would you be polite about it? No. So why be polite if they do the same thing over the phone. Love that! Here are a few other things you can do if you are bored and feel a bit evil.
Credit Card Companies
"Hello Mr.Claw, my name is Sandi (I just know deep down in my heart that she spells it with an 'i'... otherwise she wouldn't be evil!) and you have been pre-approved for a Vista Classic Card. Now if I can just go over some information so we can get your card out to you as quickly as possible, starting with your annual income."
"Well I am sure that Vista, having pre-approved me for the great responsibility of owning a credit card, thoroughly investigated all of my information ahead of time.... so I am confident that everything is correct. Thanks, I will look forward to my card." (Hang up)
*On a side note this might back-fire as it did with me and Discover. In one weekend I was pre-approved for a Classic, Gold and Platinum. Did the above and received a Classic and Gold card separately in the mail two weeks later. But that is another rant .....
Magazine Subscribers
"Hello Mr.Claw, my name is Joni (.... um... never mind) and you have been selected to receive your choice of popular magazines at a remarkable 75% off newsstand prices. How does this sound to you?"
"Hmmmm sounds good. Do you have Field and Stream?"
After a brief second and trying to hold down her "I got another Sucker" excitement.
"Why yes we do."
"Cool, and do you have Popular Science?"
Another second, and the excitement is getting harder to control.
"As a matter of fact we do."
"Hmmmm how about National Geographic?"
"Yes, yes we do."
"Nice, I would like those three if that is alright."
"This is fine.. may I ask you which credit card you would like that billed to?"
"Sure it will be my Discover card.... um... one thing though.... you do offer these magazines in Brail Editions correct?"
Long pause with just breathing on the other end.
"Pardon me?"
"Braille Editions, I have received these magazines in the past in this form and assumed this wouldn't be a problem."
Another long squirming pause.
"Pardon me?"
"Um, well I am... how should I put this... without sight and I require Braille Editions to partake in your fabulous offer."
Pause, pause, pause, squirm, squirm, squirm.
"I'll have to check with my superiors, please hold."
*At this point you can either hang up or wait till they come back and milk the apologies.... I have done both.
Other Lines To Use For Various TM Situations
Um my lawyer says I can't use my credit cards till after the Bankruptcy Hearings... can I pay in pennies? They are rolled and everything.
I would switch my Long Distance Service to you but AT&T knows where I live and there have been threats. I shouldn't say anymore.... they might be listening.
Hello! (push a few buttons on the phone) Hello!!! (push a few more) HELLO!!!! (Push a few more and then hang up)
19% interest huh? Well I have Vista on the other line offering 14%. Can you beat that?